Impossible

IMPOSSIBLE?

I just want to say that this is a very personal story of how I have overcome my anxiety,I’m not a very good writer, but this is the best way I can tell my story and hopefully if this helps one person see a different side of their anxiety and overcome it then i would be so happy to know I have helped in some way.

Hi, my name is Josh Hudd and I was tom Hoskins first person that he helped. I have suffered with anxiety and IBS for about 5 years now and all of my family and Tom have played a massive part in my position that I’m in today.

In school I got heavily bullied physically and mentally by someone who thought that it would make him feel better and be a bigger part in my friendship group. Unfortunately for me, the people in my friendship group that I thought were friends turned there back on me, if they were scared of the bully or for a different reason.By this point I had been lying to my family about feeling ill so I didn’t have to go in to school and face the bully and the people he had turned against me. My Grampy had told me try and stand up for yourself and so I did, the next time he tried to attack me I hit him and pinned him on the floor, i am not the person to like conflict and I have never hit anyone before this, i thought this might have been a turning point for me but it went the complete opposite way, the school didn’t believe that the person had been bullying me physically and mentally and had only saw what had happened that day and I got punished for it. This is when I lost all trust in the school and began to see it as no longer a safe place to be, as all of the teacher claim it to be.

This was when I had my first panic attack, it was horrible, you have people around you telling you to breathe and calm down but you have no control,you can’t JUST breathe you can’t JUST calm down, or so I thought at the time.At this time I was seeing the school councillor which wasn’t helping and only threatening me with NHS mental schools as I was too much for the school to handle.I wasn’t getting out of the car in the morning and was spending 2 to 4 hours sat outside the gates of the school because I didn’t feel safe anymore. The councillor also persuaded the school that for me to get on with my work at school I wouldn’t be able to contact my mum to come and pick me up from school when I was having massive panic attacks and needing to leave the situation, which made school feel more like prison.

One morning, I was sat panicking in the car not wanting to leave and go into the prison that is school, a young man came over to me and gave me something, just a toy to play with, take my mind off of things and calm me down, not yelling at me to calm down or breathe, not forcing me into school, but trying a different approach which seemed to work, it calmed me down and got me to breathe. The school had pushed me to one side because I was too much hard work, Tom, which had now been made my lifecoach wasn’t able to see me as much as he wanted as the school thought I didn’t need the support. By year 10 my anxiety had become better and I was able to go into school for a lesson or two a day which isn’t great but it was a start, this was all by just going and trying everyday, I still wasn’t getting any help from school apart from a catch up session with Tom every month maybe if I was lucky.I wasn’t too bad either when I started back in year 11 and I was getting ready for my GCSE’s, all seemed to be on the rise and I was becoming more and more confident. I think by Christmas Tom had left the school to peruse his own business but I was now seeing him once a week where he could help me properly and give me strategies to actually combat my anxiety.

For Christmas my family had made plans to go to London and stay over for a few nights. I struggled a little on the way down to London but wasn’t too bad, on the second day went to Hyde park and my anxiety and IBS had me on edge as both were acting up, in Hyde park I started to have a massive panic attack and had to get to my safe place which was the hotel that was an hour walk away. Panicking and running for an hour made my IBS act up even more and become really bad, but I just needed to get back to my safe place. This day convinced me that I will not leave the house ever again as that way I can’t get caught out in the middle of no where and so far away from my safe place.

This is now the rebuild, this day had made it very hard to leave the house and I think for about 2 weeks I didn’t leave the house at all. I knew I had to do something about this but I felt like I couldn’t. I told my family and Tom that I have to start from the beginning, for a week I went and sat out in the car, this is how far I fell back, we realised that by this point there was no way I was going to school and we focused on just getting me better, I forgot about school for a while and focused on me, no distractions. Over the next 3 months I got in the car and went to the next junction on my road, then the next day I’d go to the next junction, and the next,that was how slow the progress was but that was the only way that I was going to achieve what I wanted, it was my choice to do this,and I was determined to achieve my goal. My grampy’s birthday was the 10th of March and they live 13 minutes away from me,but I had to go on the motorway, no turning back,I was determined to be there for his birthday but it had took up till that day to get over there, but I did it I set my self a goal and succeeded, it wasn’t a big one, but it was a big goal for me, and seeing that I had achieved my goal gave me confidence to keep pushing. I ended up doing my GCSE’s at home as I hadn’t been in school for about 5 months.

JUNE 18th 2018!! I had finished my GCSE’s and the next step was the biggest in my whole journey and it’s a big passion of mine, motorbikes, I have been riding motorbikes since I was 4 years old and that was my passion, so I booked my CBT to do my bike test, I built myself up for the day and went for it, I had no problem that day and completed in with no problem.

This independence allowed me do so much more, when I ride I’m not focused on my anxiety, my IBS, I’m focused on the road and having fun.

Over the summer I went anywhere and every way on my moped, so much fun and like I didn’t have anxiety or IBS. I then started to college in September, I took myself away from all the people from my school so I could start fresh, and I was the best thing I’ve done, it was a little tough at the start of college but I soon got used to it and started to enjoy going and meeting my new friends that new about my anxiety and IBS yet accepted me and are really GOOD and REAL friends, i had a little job at this point but It wass an hour on a Saturday and I wanted some more money and I felt Like I could push myself more,so I went for an interview at Tesco, I got the job and I’ve been there 6 months now. I have now started my second year at college and am so much better my friends and tutors can see I have improved massively.

This is my story, I’m really proud of myself and I want others to feel the same, it might not be the most exciting story to read but if this just helps one person, it would mean the world, listen to family, seek Tom’s help. He is amazing and treats every person different, listens to what you want to achieve and will help you achieve that goal, however big or small it is.My mum always tells one thing and I will live with it forever THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY AROUND EVERYTHING. It will get better and any questions or want to speak to me, get in contact with Tom and I will try and answer any questions as best as I can. STAY STRONG!!!!!

Josh you have come so far and we are so proud of you ✨✨